Because It Still Hurts
by Koakuma Tsuri
Summary: 21/100: I Can't. Genesis is breaking down and it's all because of Sephiroth. Genesis/Kadaj, though mostly Sephiroth/Genesis. Warnings of LOTS of Angst. AU.


21/100: I Can't. Genesis/Kadaj  
Well firstly, this is more of a Genesis/Sephiroth story than it is G/K, but still.  
Secondly, this is the most angsty/sad story I think I have ever written. Almost too angsty for my liking… makes me sad just writing it… slight OOC? You can't really do a story like this without a bit of OOC…  
It's AU, just incase you didn't guess.

Disclaimer - None of the characters belong to me, for they are all Square Enix's.

Also, don't kill me...

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I Can't

Because It Still Hurts

"Don't leave me," A shaky voice whispered under the sharp bleeps and whirring of the machine that was pumping oxygen into the lifeless body on the bed. "You can't leave me," The figure that leant over that body finally broke into hot tears.

Doctors muttered to each other just outside a door that they thought was closed. They said how his condition was stable but they had no idea as to when he'd wake, if he would at all.

The sobbing redhead reached forwards to brush a few unruly stands of silver hair out of the "sleeping" man's face. Nothing in him held life anymore, it was breaking Genesis in two just to see this.

The doctors came to a conclusion and wandered off with their clipboards and white coats.

What did they know?

They only knew Sephiroth's name and details.

Not who he is.

He was strong: he could pull through this.

He promised Genesis they'd never be apart: he would pull through this.

It was just the two of them sat in silence in a room that held no memories. It was just cold and sterile. The only joy Genesis found was in his mind. When he closed his eyes, he would see Sephiroth standing there, young and beautiful, smiling shyly as he had when they first met; when they first kissed. That only brought tears to his eyes; he refused to blink, to remove his gaze from the younger man, fearing that he'd slip away.

What happened to the last patient in this room?

How many people had died in this room?

Were they just casting Sephiroth aside to join that list?

No.

Genesis shook his head vigorously, forcing negative thoughts from his head. There were no questions – Sephiroth would pull through this.

He would, because he promised.

And Genesis promised that he'd never leave Sephiroth's side, because he wasn't there when the accident had occurred.

Why? Because when Sephiroth said he was going to go get some food supplies, Genesis declined, too wrapped up on his nearly finished novel to be distracted now and the silver haired man had gone out alone. He was gone for a few hours before Genesis got a phone call from a man who just called himself 'Dr. Johnston' saying that Sephiroth had been involved in a collision with a drunk driver. Needless to say, Genesis left everything and got a taxi to the hospital the second he dropped the phone to the hard laminate flooring of their apartment hallway.

2 weeks into Sephiroth's coma, Genesis had a huge falling out with his lover's family.

The eldest brother, just 3 years younger than Sephiroth, blamed Genesis for everything. He called him self-centred and vain and all the other names under the sun, but what hurt most of all was that Loz cried that the redhead never loved Sephiroth, only using him to pay the bills whilst he worked away at some book that was worth nothing.

They forbid him from setting foot in the hospital again whilst Sephiroth was still there. A few days after that sentence, they came around to the lover's home and took everything that was Sephiroth's. Genesis just sat on the sofa staring blindly out the window, not saying a word because there was nothing left inside him.

If he could, he'd had left his heart with Sephiroth, so he'd never be alone, he'd never have to wake and find the room vacant of anyone, especially the redhead who he had shared the last 15 years of his life with, but Genesis was chased out completely.

From the moment the door slammed shut, Genesis started breaking down, even more so from the second he heard the news. He wasn't eating, he wasn't sleeping and the deadline for his life's work came and went in the blink of an eye whilst the nearly finished final manuscript just sat there collecting dust on the desk.

Some days, the redhead didn't even bother getting out of bed, when he even got in bed, that is. He couldn't sleep there, not when it held so many memories of Sephiroth, not when it was the stage of their love, where most of their promises were made. Some days, Genesis just sat, curled up in a tight ball on the floor in the stripped-bare hallway, staring at the broken phone, wanting nothing more than it to spring into animation and Sephiroth's voice to smile from the other end.

There was nothing but silence day in, day out.

He didn't even wonder why he hadn't been badgered for rent, why the lights were still on and why he never froze to death, but he was quick to find out why when the click of the front door's lock sounded out one day, months after the incident and his youngest brother's voice called out in the deathly air. He could've guessed his family would've been silently supporting him through this, giving him the space they knew he needed.

Before he could even walk in, Nero had to negotiate that Genesis move, or he'd be hurt when the door opened fully.

The redhead was far from caring, he let that much be known to the black-haired man. Eventually, after hundreds of different approaches, Genesis shuffled when a second voice called out. It wasn't Nero's or any other member of his family, for that matter, but it was a voice he recognised immediately, and it sounded so hurt.

Sephiroth's youngest brother, the brother who stood there in silence whilst the rest of his family fought the one-sided battle with the redhead; stood there in silence at Genesis' side during the clean-out and the one who had had a crush on Genesis since he was old enough to understand how he felt.

Seconds after Nero stepped in, visibly disgusted at his brother's state, how his hair that once shone with his fiery passion was now dull, matted and lifeless; eyes that once burned with his inner fire were hazy and flat but mostly how thin he was, Kadaj stepped forwards, green eyes widened at the sight, though he himself wasn't looking any better.

His silver hair was longer than Genesis remembered, green eyes narrowed and hardened with pain. His arms were thin; bones were clearly visible through he shirt as he bent down to help Genesis up from the floor.

Kadaj always the closest to Sephiroth, he was such a sweet child; Sephiroth couldn't leave him alone half the time. Most of Genesis and Sephiroth's first dates were baby sitting Kadaj (and the older Yazoo), and those were happy memories, playing with the youngsters before packing them off to bed – the time when young lovers could really come into play.

Why did everything always come back to Sephiroth… always?

Oh yeah, because Genesis was so madly in love with him, he'd have given everything just to go back in time and say "Hey Sephiroth, we don't need any milk right now," and save everyone from this endless torment.

This wasn't like Sephiroth. Sephiroth didn't like attention, he didn't like being dependant on anyone; he'd never have left those who needed him.

He had to wake up - he just had to.

A fresh stream of new tears threatened to fall down already sorrow-stained cheeks; he slowly started sliding down the whitewashed walls to take up place on the floor once again.

Kadaj caught this immediately, grasping the miserable redhead and pulled him closer. "C'mon Genesis. Let's get you cleaned up," He offered a weak smile, too troubled to be effective.

He hated seeing Sephiroth as helpless as he was right now, that was his big brother, the one who had shown him how to be strong in the face of the kids that were merciless to him at school, but Kadaj couldn't stand seeing Genesis like this. He once had so much character, so much life and passion that it was contagious, and the young silver haired boy had caught it, but now… now… Whoever this was, it wasn't Genesis. It didn't even look like him. Didn't respond to that name unless you touched him.

He was like a ghost. He moved like a ghost as well, so sickeningly weightless and he never said a word, no energy to keep his head up for more than a few moments.

The young teenager shot a quick look to the black haired Rhapsodos, who was shuffling about in the kitchen, rooting around for anything to force into his brother's system. There wasn't much in the room that wasn't festering.

There wasn't much in this place that wasn't festering: Genesis especially.

They couldn't even begin to contemplate how the redhead must have felt, Kadaj had only lost his dearest brother whilst Genesis had lost his best friend, his confident, his love, his light and his life.

Kadaj led Genesis into the apartment's small bathroom and sat the elder down on the toilet seat before turning his attention to filling the sink up with some clean, hot water. He glanced every-so-often at the silent redhead, whose dulled eyes stared blindly ahead and fingers picked awkwardly at each other on his lap.

Blinking a few times, afraid that he sensed tears developing, Kadaj grabbed a fresh flannel from under the sink and warmed it in the water. He knelt before Genesis, and pushed his hair out of his pretty face with his right hand whilst he wiped the visual evidence of Genesis' break down away.

This was so wrong. Genesis used to do this to him, when he was a kid and his parents had gone out for the night. Genesis used to smile, make comments about when Kadaj was going to grow up and be strong like his brother, and other sweet words that the boy had never forgotten.

Kadaj chewed his bottom lip. He just refused to cry, especially in front of Genesis. He had promised himself he'd grow up, stop hiding in the shadows and actually be what the two lovers had always encouraged him to be.

He lowered the cream face towel and forced another smile, feline green eyes slanting and as tried to remember what it was like to be happy once more.

Azure eyes drifted up slowly, almost aimlessly, one would doubt if Genesis actually saw anything in his mind but his past digressions.

A cold hand found it's way into Kadaj's long hair, curling around the back of his neck and pulling him closer, albeit weakly.

In the time it took for the teen to blink, Genesis had lunged forwards, pressing lips upon lips like it was his final act; those naked fingers twisted painfully in his hair.

The redhead was desperate, he could sense and he couldn't just neglect that fact. He slowly worked his own mouth against the elders, greeting a needing tongue warmly, he almost lost himself to what otherwise would have been a perfect moment, if only he didn't know that Genesis wasn't kissing Kadaj, he was kissing what his mind had cruelly tricked into believing for a spilt second was Sephiroth when he was younger.

Genesis could have lived forever in that moment, but his memory was too sharp, his lover didn't behave like this; didn't taste like this… he tore away suddenly, facing away from those watery emerald eyes.

"I can't." He muttered. "I can't do this… I promised Sephiroth I'd… I'd always be there for him,"

Kadaj lowered his head, closing his eyes as his hands slowly cupped around Genesis' pallid cheeks, dragging those cerulean eyes back to him. Slowly, he bit back his tears and in the strongest voice he could muster, croaked out his next words. "I came here with Nero to tell you something…"

He felt the muscles underneath his palms tense, lips trembling faintly, somewhere, deep inside him, Kadaj was certain Genesis already knew. He and Sephiroth had just been too close for him to not know.

"Sephiroth… He… He passed away early this morning." Kadaj stuttered, once voice cracking and he couldn't bear to look at Genesis as he finished. He couldn't watch as those eyes widened and filled with salty distress, the dams broke in a second and the redhead doubled over, sobbing, and there would be no consolation – ever.

Sephiroth had died cold and alone, un-loved and alone.

Everything the man had once feared.

Everything Genesis promised he never would be again.

He had failed. He had failed as a friend and a lover and a man. Genesis was letting everything go as he cried, Kadaj wisely just sat there and watched, lost in his own world, lost in his own inner turmoil.

"I'm so sorry," The redhead whispered.

Closing his eyes and shaking his head, Genesis stood to his feet and walked mechanically into the main room, standing before his desk and staring down at the book on its surface.

Nero, still standing in the kitchen watched silently, pale features twisted into a deep frown. His brother's tears confirmed Kadaj had informed him.

Damn boy, Nero wanted to be there, he wanted to be there to comfort his brother, just to hold him and assure him he would always be loved, no matter what fate threw his way.

Kadaj wandered in from the bathroom, just quick enough to suddenly see Genesis grab and frantically rip and tear away at his own manuscript, rendering years of his life to nothing in a few moments.

Both the younger men were at his side immediately, Nero snatching the half-shredded book from his brother's hands without thought, whilst Kadaj wrapped his arms tightly around the redhead's deathly slim waist.

"Don't do that!" He cried, "Sephiroth wouldn't want you to do that, he knew how much you put into that work,"

"How much attention I put into it... I should have given to him,"

"No." Nero snapped softly. "It was your dream and he knows that. Life goes on Genesis, you have to accept that, no matter how much it hurts you,"

Faded eyes drifted to a close once more and Genesis bit back a fresh onslaught of tears.

How could he possibly go on after this…?

"Promise me you'll go on living, Genesis, please." Kadaj muttered quietly, voice lost, cracking with his desperation. He'd lost his brother; he couldn't loose Genesis now, not when he'd sworn to himself to be there for him, forever, if that's what it took.

The redhead slowly rose his face to the heavens and he whispered, "I will," though in his mind – in his heart – he said otherwise.

_Sephiroth, wait for me, I won't be long, I promise. In this world, you know I can't live without you._


End file.
